Today we have another post from our regular guest blogger Kim. She has discovered lots of free time, and been finding new sober hobbies.
I never realised how much time it took being a pisshead. Time getting mashed-up in the evening, time working out how I got home, time working out whose home I’ve woken up in, time worrying in the morning about what I’ve done, said or shagged, time being sick, time falling asleep during the day, time to recover, time talking about night before, then wahey – time to start the whole shit-storm again!
So now I am into my fifth month somewhere. I’ve only had one day one, not because I have a special secret or anything, but because I’m too lazy and slightly terrified to have to repeat those really hard first weeks ever again.
In the last few weeks I’ve not been thinking about drinking at all, which has been so lovely (however I won’t get complacent with this as I’m sure it will change on this sodding rollercoaster of a journey). What has happened is that I now have so much free time, however no hobbies and I’m realising absolutely no talent. For anything. At least anything I’ve tried so far. Included are:
On the first run I did, wee came out. I’ve stopped that now by weeing before I go. However, I can’t get far at all and I look so stupid. I never used to give a shit how I looked when I was a lush falling on my arse, but now for some reason I feel more self-conscious. So now – before I run, I decant some monkey nuts into a see-through sandwich bag, and trot round the park flailing them around like “Oooh look at me…I’m just a middle aged animal lover running towards the squirrel bit to feed them with my nuts” as opposed to ”Oooh look at me, I’m a middle aged woman who runs like an idiot trying not to piss her daughters too small jogging pants”. Fail.
1) Turned out to be a cult. We had to pray to “mamma” for forgiveness, tie imaginary bows on top of our head and wait for wind to come out of our fingers. I bailed after half an hour but sadly my mate couldn’t escape. Fail.
2) Open eye meditation – lovely lady, soothing voice, nice music, and the utter stress of trying to keep my eyes open for half an hour when I was so relaxed I just wanted to sleep. Fail.
3) Trans-something or other meditation – Get to close eyes (hoorah) and imagine 2 inches below your feet. I do this and think, “Two inches below feet, ooh – like platform shoes, ooh – like Baby Spice wore, ooh – Spice Girls, ooh – If you wanna be my lover lalala” this goes round and round my head for AGES. Then half an hour after this, its time to relax on a mat (what the difference is between closed-eyes meditating and relaxing I’m yet to find out). Fall asleep on the mat, wake up mid mini fart. However the room was so quiet it didn’t sound so mini. Mortified. Fail.
Art fair where the artists were present. HOW CAN YOU CHARGE £130 FOR A SQUIGGLE OF CHARCOAL ON A PAGE???. EX-OH dragged me out after ten mins as I was too vocal in front of the artists apparently.
Adult colouring book – I bought this one but got bored after five minutes and frustrated when I went out of the lines.
Sewing – one session sewing the tops of my sons socks together, enjoyed it as I knew it would be funny the next day, however not something I want to do again. Ever. I was rubbish and kept pricking myself. Yay to wonderweb is all I can say.
Knitting – A scarf for my granddaughter. I MEAN FOR F+CKS SAKE, LOOK AT IT – IT’S A TRAVESTY!!!!! Holes (hence the bits I sewed on to cover them), it goes thin halfway for some reason, I changed knitting needles to thick ones as I got bored with the little thin ones and didn’t know it would make the other bit at the end look different. Granddaughter won’t wear it. So now I have to as it took ages and it’s not going to waste. But I didn’t enjoy doing it. It’s a total epic fail and doesn’t match my bobble hat.
Really really not good. Like awful. Like the worst noise ever. In the history of noise and sound.
I’m all read out – I’ve read so much. I even read instruction manuals now. And washing labels. And Ts&Cs. And road signs.
Disco baths are still the thing I enjoy the most out of everything in my little world. Oh, and shopping on Amazon for inventions that are great. But let’s be honest – I can’t sit in a bath for hours every night screeching “I can’t get no sleep” by Faithless – my neighbours are starting to hate me more than when I was a drunk up liability. And finding mad inventions is getting expensive. And both of these are not hobbies. I can’t really say – “ooh my names Kim and my hobbies are baths and invention buying”.
So – if anyone out there has a suggestion of a hobby for an unfit, semi-incontinent, fidgety, talentless ex-lush, please do let me know. I would be really grateful and so would my neighbours. And EX-OH. And children. And granddaughter.