The Poisoned Chalice: A Grim Fairy Tale

As it’s #TellAFairyTaleDay on Monday 26th February 2018, we used it as an excuse to write our own little fairy tale…

Once upon a time in a land not so far,
The townspeople grew bored and convened at the bar,
Pied Pipers and Princesses, Fairies and Queen,
Lords, Princes, King, and all creatures between.
The cider was flowing, goblets sloshed with fine wine,
The white rabbit planned to leave at half past nine.
“Let’s celebrate!”, some cheered, “Let’s relax!” others cried,
“I’m just staying for one!” “Yes, me too!” they all lied.

Queen, King and Princes wearing gold they did glow,
Princesses radiant, one with skin white as snow.
Fairies buzzed around, cheerful with song,
The elves and the trolls were all singing along.
“I’m late for my wife” slurred Shoemaker to Toad,
“But who cares what she thinks, one more drink for the road!”
“Let’s eat!” Howled the wolf, “No let’s dance!” Squealed three hogs,
“We’ll dine with the wolf!” shrieked the mouse and the frogs.

Flies for the frogs were served, cheese for the mouse,
The wolf chased the hogs right on back to their house.
Jill pleaded with Jack to go fetch her more beer,
Whilst the shoemaker’s wife dragged him out by the ear.
Miss Muffet went home, just after the spider,
Had turned up at the bar, and sat right down beside her,
“Let’s drink!” he’d demanded, “No thanks” she’d replied,
“Why girl?!” He’d snarled, “What’ve you got to hide?!”

The wizard was dancing with butcher and baker,
But slipped and spilt beer on old candlestick maker,
The candlestick maker, With red cheeks, nose and eyes
Bellowed “Fool!” at the wizard and began to cry,
The Wood Cutter stepped in with his children in tow,
And said, “calm down chaps, perhaps home you should go.”
“Let’s go too!” Hansel asked, “it’s time for bed”
“I’m drinking,” his father sneered, “just follow that bread.”

Humpty Dumpty fell over and smashed his new phone,
He sulked and he wailed and he began to moan,
The King’s men were tired and warned “get a grip lad”
“We can’t put that together, how much have you had?”
Humpty rolled out, the King’s men clinked their steins,
The ugly stepsisters came and joined with their wines.
“Let’s kiss!” begged young Georgie, of girls sweet and fair,
“Disgusting!” wept Rapunzel, who had sick in her hair.

“Who’s broken my chair?!” bayed a bear with a roar,
As Goldilocks left sheepishly, out the back door.
The princess whose skin had been fresh-white-as-snow,
Was now sweating profusely and twerking real low.
Meanwhile, in the toilets, a girl lay on the floor,
One slipper was missing, one leg out the door,
“Get up!” screeched her sisters, “you’re such a disgrace!”
“Piss off,” mumbled the girl with a grin on her face.

Red Riding Hood entered and put down her purse,
“Girls we should help her, I know I’ve seen worse.”
To add to the drama, young Gretel stormed in,
“I’m bursting for a slash, so I’ll go in the bin.”
At the bar, the Queen realised that she’d lost her crown,
“Eyes peeled!” yelled the Footman, “people, search all around!”
“I’ve found it!” Whooped Georgie, “It’s on the Queen’s head!”
“Hoorah, one more round then!” the crooked Queen said.

“I’m late!” squawked the rabbit, at twelve twenty-four,
“But I’m having such fun! I’ll just stay for one more”
The Prince told a story, for the seventeenth time,
To a circle of bored Knights on the soda and lime.
The toad, frogs and mouse helped a Princess get home,
The fairies and elves hitched a ride with a gnome.
“I’m taking my pants off!” announced the King,
Before running around naked and shaking his thing.

“That’s enough,” bawled the innkeeper, “everyone out!”
“You’ll regret this tomorrow fools, that I don’t doubt.”
The spider was squished into a urinal cake,
Hansel tried to stir Gretel awake.
As everyone staggered out, onto the street
And the lights were turned out, and the chairs tucked in neat,
One figure left standing, green eyes and black shawl,
Said “That poison worked wonders, I’m still fairest of all.”

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