The Next Round: What happens after you change your drinking?
The Next Round: What happens after you change your drinking?
(As featured in the Sub-Etha Mindful Consciousness Supplement to The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy)
Creating an alcohol-free Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster is a bit like trying to knit antimatter into a yoga mat — pointless, delightful, and potentially illuminating. It does not feel like having your brain smashed out by a slice of lemon wrapped round a large gold brick. It feels instead like your neurons being gently ruffled by a telepathic hedgehog reciting bedtime haiku.
Ingredients (with options for a version you can make on Earth):
🧼 Dip your Towel in a Draught of Interstellar Unwinding (A dip of your towel in Three Spirit Nightcap) Deep, dreamy, and reassuring – like a warm hug from a sentient armchair. Suck on when winding down after the Vogon-accredited @soberaf_poetryclub open mic night. You’ll find it pairs remarkably well with mid-line enjambment and awkward metaphors.
Chill until it no longer matters.
Serve in a glass that once dreamt of being a chalice, but instead took up mindfulness and now identifies as a “container of possibility.”
Ideally sipped while cradled in a beanbag that remembers the ’70s and hums gently in F# minor.
Expect a subtle mental shift from “doing your taxes” to “organising your reading queue by emotional resonance.”
After one glass, you may find yourself writing kind notes to your future self.
After two, you’ll likely feel the urge to re-pot your houseplants, donate old guilt to a charity shop, and have a heartfelt conversation with your kettle about purpose.
Even the most rigid Vogon – after two of these – would not leap onto the bar in stilettos shouting about the Grey Binding Fiefdoms of Saxaquine. No, no. He’d politely ask for a zine, read the entire thing, then submit a 37-page proposal on the wellness benefits of replacing the jukebox with a softly glowing, self-watering poetry dispenser.
Do not operate intergalactic spacecraft, initiate causal loops, or attempt cross-species seduction while under the influence of this beverage.
Side effects include: moderate euphoria, spontaneous acts of kindness, minor galactic empathy, and a refusal to engage with unnecessary dram.
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